How To Talk To Your Kids

© Duchess O’Blunt, 2010; all rights reserved.

Developing a relationship with kids is a tricky business. If there is no real connection on some level between you and your child(ren), you have a long road ahead of you to try and get to that place where you can talk to them. 

Talk is cheap. What you say has to agree with what you do, otherwise you are wasting your breath.

If you want to "talk" to your kids, there is so much more than just talking you have to work at.

Communication is never just about listening - or talking. It is a complicated and intricate part of our lives. Communication envelopes every nuance of speech, every look, glance or glare and certainly your body language speaks volumes.

Don't think that your child doesn't hear you calling them stupid when you don't actually say the words. If you are thinking it most likely you are showing it. They will actually hear it through your actions.

If you are trying to talk to your daughter and she sees you with your hands on your hips, the volume in your voice is at 85 decibels, and you are having difficulty remembering to breathe, how do you think she is going to respond?

She will either get angry right back at you and mimic your own behavior, or simply let you rant and rave while she wanders around in her own little happy place until you are done. Not very productive from either perspective is it?

One of the easiest things to forget about being a parent is that our children learn a great deal of their behavioral patterns from us. Outside influences gain some of that percentage the older they get, but the basics still come from within the family unit.

When you say, "Do as I say", you might want to make sure you do as you say.  When you don't it's just one more way to ensure you are wasting your breath.

Basketball or Music. Science genius or political genius. Barbie dolls or building blocks. Tonka toys or beach balls. Whatever it is that interests your kids, make sure you take an interest too.

Don't think though that if you have never shown an interest, that your sudden attention is going to really matter. Kids will see right through you. Be genuine, and make a sincere effort to learn about what it is that your kids are in to.

As I've said before. Kids are smart. If you lie to them by word or deed, they are going to know it. So don't.

If they want to talk about something you know nothing about, don't try to flambuzzel your way through the conversation and pretend like you know. Tell them they are talking way over your head. Ask them to fill you in. By doing so, you tell them you are not afraid to admit you don't know, you are showing an interest, and they feel like the shoe is on the other foot, and they can teach you something.

If you've made a mistake, admit it. Nothing like a parent screwing up to give the kid the advantage. I am one of those people who just hate being wrong. Just ask my kids, they'll tell you. But being able to admit it often works in your favour, as hard as it is to admit you are wrong.

As parents I think there are times, or perhaps several times, we all get to that point where we feel like pulling our hair out because they just don't listen.

Quite often, they learn that particular trait from their parents. Yes, I know that's not a popular thing to say, but kids are smart and they observe much more than we often realize, or give them credit for.

If you really want to get to that point where you can actually talk to your kids, it is necessary that you take some time to develop your own listening skills.

Listening to your children takes a special skill, and one that must see continual improvement - or at the very least - change. Why? Because the funny thing about kids - they grow up.

Listening to a five year old might take patience because he doesn't have the verbal skills to say what is really on his mind. But listening to a 15 year old who thinks he knows everything and thinks you are stupid because you are old, now that takes so much more than patience!

Go on, if you have teenagers, feel free to shake your head, shout your agreement, or simply grunt and nod if your voice box has been over-taxed already today.

While dealing with the day to day lives and frustrations that can be parenthood, it's easy to forget how many outside influences our kids deal with every day. Every single one of them present stimuli of some sort, and you can be sure they will bring them home. How you deal with what they bring home is what will determine how well the communication lines work, both now and in the future.

If your child can feel comfortable discussing things that they deal with every day, without fear of being called stupid, or listening as you preach your ideals at them, or even having to deal with the concern you show as a parent, you just might, over time, earn their trust.

Kids just might talk if they trust you. How do you earn that trust?

Trust is not established without effort, can be easily abused and once lost, almost impossible to regain. So be prepared to work hard at establishing that trust, and then work even harder at maintaining it.

"Bring up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it". This often quoted adage can certainly be applied to the way we communicate with our children as well. Building trust and respect from an early age opens the door for easier communication when they are older.

If they confide in you and you then go sit and talk about it with other family members, your brothers and sisters, or with the neighbor - don't count on them talking to you again any time soon. And they will test you, don't think they won't. 

Don't expect to make a sudden decision that it's time to start working on your relationship with your kids, make your all out effort and then Abracadabra - you have new kids. It doesn't work that way. What it is is hard work. And what it takes is time. Are your kids worth it? Yes, they are!

Sometimes, the best philosophy is to take a moment to remember when you were in the same position your kids are now in.

Your parents just didn't get it. They got off the fashion train at 20 and never got back on. They stopped listening to good music when they were in their teens, and wouldn't know a good tune if it reared up and bit them on the butt. You knew for a fact they didn't have a clue what was happening in the world, and they certainly had no clue about the pressures you had to face at school or with your friends.

To be honest, what we faced as kids is not the same as what they face today. Times change, technologies change, people change, and we need to keep up with that. If they are thinking those things that we thought as kids - let's face it, they are probably right. Every once in awhile that happens. They are right and we are wrong.

In talking to kids, it's always a good idea to try and remember how we felt at their age.

Building a good relationship with your kids should start from the time they are born. And yes, teaching them all the things they need to know is a good way to develop a great relationship. But don't kid yourself, when they grow up things change.

Teenagers don't need their parents anymore. Friends, coaches, teachers and any number of outside influences will likely start to erode what you have worked so hard to build.

Talking to your teenage kids is often one of the hardest jobs as a parent. At this point it seems you are constantly at loggerheads with each other. You have to find that fine line where you stick to your principles and what you have spent years teaching them, but try to listen and be able to see their point of view.

Talk to your kids. It is worth it. Every stage of their lives bring new challenges. For both of you. And remember that talking is only a small part of communicating:

• Be there when they need you
• Listen when they talk
• Show them you care by taking an interest
• Hugs and kisses when they let you
• Say "I'm sorry" when it's your turn to say it
• Say "it's ok" when it's their turn
• Love them with words and deeds

Sometimes it will seem like you are living in constant frustration, and you will most likely make some big mistakes. Try not to feel too guilty about those mistakes, and don't give up trying. If you do genuinely care, it will shine through - eventually.