How do you know if you are right for each other?
73© Duchess O’Blunt, 2010; all rights reserved.
Are you right for each other? How do you know?
My profile led a fellow hubber to ask me this question - How did you know you were right for each other?
It has taken me some time to answer this question because the answer is not just a simple - "You just know!" At least not for me. Although in the case of my husband, I truly believe it might have been "You just know!"
While I did not want to leave her waiting, I also wanted to do her justice by answering as honestly as I can.
Some people say there is such a thing as love at first sight, and you just "feel" it - sparks fly that ignites a flame to engulf you both.
Is this passion or lust, or is it a true gauge for love?
Finding Your Soul Mate
Does luck have anything to do with it?
See results without votingSparks Fly
Ah, young love, or rather "new" love. No doubt about it, when two people care for each other there is a mutual spark that has been ignited. You look at them and are attracted. It wouldn't work otherwise would it?
She loves the way his eyes follow her. He loves the sway of her hips.
She thinks he is witty and charming. He likes that she laughs at his jokes.
She wonders if he thinks of her at all. He can't stop thinking about that last kiss.
There is such hope and uncertainty when love is new. Do you remember?
You find yourself daydreaming wondering what they are doing: Are they missing you? Should you call? Do they feel the same way you do? Are you just over reacting?
Should it be this confusing? Isn't love supposed to be awesome and wonderful? How can I be sure? He didn't call, maybe he hates me? Did I say something wrong? Did she meet someone else?
Is there a pill for this?
When you are young and love is young, there are too many questions you don't have answers to. You feel things you are not used to. You are nervous about getting it right, or you want to spend all your time with the person, but are afraid that it will lead to a command for commitment. Are you ready to make that commitment?
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How Do You Know?
To be completely honest with you, "knowing" is in the gut and in the heart and argues all the time with your head.
In my case, I first met my husband when I was very young and my head and my heart argued constantly. Sometime my head won over my heart and visa versa. In fairness to my hubby, I have to add I don't believe that for one second, he ever let his head rule over his heart. He was constant (thank God).
We met at summer camp through my brother and spent that first summer flirting around the edges of getting to know each other. But distance was an issue because we lived miles apart from each other.
Each summer for 5 years we met, got reacquainted and promised to keep in touch. Long distance phone calls were rare (strict parents) and letters were not always possible (postal strikes). We didn't have the same opportunity with the internet as a means of keeping in touch that people do today and cell phones where actually car phones and only for the very rich. So, it was on again, off again for a few years.
Looking back at it from the advantage of many years, I believe those 5 summers of getting to know each other (as much as you can under the circumstances) had a great deal to do with the "knowing". I had many arguments with myself. My heart and my head. But when I listened to my heart, to the desire to see him, to be with him and to build something with him, I think we both won.
When I thought about the future, and possibly one without him, it just wasn't right. We belonged together. I finally listened to my heart, and he waited until I did.
I like that song in "The Wedding Singer" that Adam Sandler sang to Drew Barrymore. I Want To Grow Old With You.
The Question - Is it ever answered satisfactorily?
So, to my fellow hubber who asked the question that sparked this hub.
He "knew".
I argued.
But we found each other anyway.
Sometimes it happens that way.
Every story is different, and every person is different.
My one piece of advise is to listen to the heart.
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Brave? Or perhaps a little touched? It's one of the toughest questions, and never easy to answer. I am thankful to have found that balance. I just wish it was something you could teach. Unfortunately, I think it's one of those life lessons you just have to learn.
Thank You Duchess Oblunt
People always want the love story and you wrote it.Its always heart warming to know that there are still hubbers in love after so many years.And to top it off it is a good feeling to know how their love affair started.For us dreamers it gives us more hope.Enjoyed this hub.God bless you and your family.Enjoying this journey of love.PEACE.
Thank you Tamarii2, I appreciate your comments.
Here's to the dreamers!
Good hub, Duchess. Thank you! Almost makes even a worn-out old cynic like me believe in love again. I'm glad you and the hubby have what you have, forever.
Every story is certainly different. The reasons why so many marriages fail is because after the honeymoon, the real "work" begins. Falling in love is easy. Keeping a marriage together is not. Hopefully love is enough as an adhesive. Thanks, Duchess!
Paradise, you old cynic, thank you for dropping by.
It's always good to hear someone else's story, even if you find it hard to believe.
Me and the hubby have what we have because we work at it - both of us. Marriage takes two, and it is not always a bed of roses.
Dohn you are absolutely right. Keeping a marriage together does take work. I don't see love as an adhesive, so much as a foundation, but I think without it, the desire to do the necessary work to build your marriage is not there.
I may be young, as far as age goes, but mentally and emotionally I'm not. How DO you know? In my experience, other than "you just know", and "it feels right", its all in the way both individuals feel, and think about each other. I read once that one could have multiple soulmates in theirr life time, and after much thought I came to the conclusion that i partially agree with that statement. Of the billions of people on this earth, there's bound to be many that we can relate to and if both sides work at it, and believe in it enough, it can truly last a life time. To many times people get married for all the wrong reasons and as Dohn put it, falling in love is easy. People get so caught up on how they feel with the new person in their life, and people always make more of an effort to keep each pther content, and refrain from showing their real colors. We first sell ourselves to real the other in, and once we have them hooked we stop. People lose sight of what reallly brought them together, of why they fell in love in the first place. It does take two to have and make a relationship work. If you truly love someone, and want to be with them you will. Despite the arguments, the obstacles, the bad habbits. and the imperfections. If both sides are willing to make changes or "improvements" in themselves and both see that it benifits not only themselves but the other and the relationship, then growth occurs. I am happy to see that you have been able to maintain a relationship. It gives me hope for my relationship. Its not always easy but the end of the road is worth it I'm sure when you sit and look back. I have only months in my relationship, and although its not a long, it feels like a lone time. We've already hit big obstacles and issues that we took on head on, we've come a LONG way from where we started, and i can honestly say, if things go the way they are now. If we can continue to worrk at this and both continue to believe and have faith, then perhaps one day I can look back and say I was right when i said i found my soulmate. (: Your story has given me hope that one day I can be in where you are with your relationship. Thank you SO MUCH. You have boosted my faith and optimism.
Nice hub, Duchess! I am very happy for you that listening to your heart turned out just perfect.
But, as you also say, each story is different! Sometimes, some of us have wished they had listened to and heeded what their heads were trying to say too.
Maybe the answer lies in listening carefully to both the heart and the head, and giving careful attention and weightage to each thought thrown up by them. It's a decision which one should not make in a hurry ... a wrong decision has long lasting adverse effects on not only each partner but also their children ...
Aaron, I think a person could have multiple possible soulmates but after choosing one, it is hoped they chose the right one and the others must continue to search.
I'm glad this story gave you hope, I wish you both all the best. You seem to have decided that falling in love (though it is the easy part) was the starting point for you.
While it might sound like a lot of work and at times it can be, a marriage the works has many many rewards and a great deal of fun. Anything worth having is worth working for.
Jaspal, thank you for your well wishes and your wise words. I think perhaps you and R Burrow have the right of it. There is really no pat answer, and the best advise is to take your time. Maybe that's one of the reason I am where I am today. Maybe the balance for the two of us was there right from the beginning.
I echo your thoughts, take the necessary time to listen carefully to your heart and your voice of reason. Your relationship will affect so many others, not the least of which is your children. Good words of advise. Thank you
Listen to your heart - such good advice! I agree with you that every love story is different - but I like the sentiments in that song - I want to grow old with you - I guess if that song plays in your heart, that's the one! Thanks for sharing your wonderful story Duchess!
Thank you Shalini for stopping by
I absolutely loved this hub! wonderfully written...and makes so much sense! keep posting such pearls of wisdom...!
Thank you myownworld, I'm happy you found it worthy. I will try to post words of wisdom, but truthfully, that might be all that's in the tank. I think I got lucky!
I loved this hub, as I am a dreamer and a romantic at heart. Thanks...it made my heart smile. :)
I'm glad this spoke to the dreamer and romantic in you gwennies pen.
Here's to all the "mushy" stuff today!
This October will mark our 40th wedding anniversary. We met on a blind date but then took our time getting to know one another. Met both sides of the family, discussed religious backgrounds and other important issues. Neither one of us was in a hurry to get married and both of us would have waited longer to meet just the right person. I was 23 and he was 26 when we got married. We have had both good times and bad but have steadfastly been there for not only each other but each other's families as well. Love continues to grow. Those that exit their marriages when they hit a bumpy spot will never get to experience the wonderful feelings that only long marriages create. We have not only grown together as individuals but most of our memories now are of things that we experienced together. We are truly soulmates. As you said...this subject is a bit hard to tackle and explain, but I think that you did a good job of it.
Peggy W, how wonderful your comments are and what a good point you make about meeting the families. It's good if you can get along. Of course, the larger the families, the larger the possibility you will find someone to get along with!
Congratulations on your 40 years married and thank you for sharing your story.
I have to agree with you, Brenda! Every story IS different! That is what makes us so unique. I also agree with your "knowing", it might be obscured by the clouds of doubt one time or another, but if it is meant to be, It is going to happen! definitely so!
Very enlightening hub!
Thumbs up!
warm regards and blessings,
Al
Thank you Mystique. It's a good thing we are unique. It'd be terribly boring otherwise :)
Thanks for dropping by
I am blessed to have someone as beautiful as my husband in my life. I was 40 when we got married and he was 44. We have been married almost seven years. He has a son who is 20 now, but his son is Schizophrenic. When he started to loose hold of his faculties he was living with us. That was one of the biggest challenges I have faced. My point is, when you love someone you are willing to go through fire to help them, I sure did with this one. His son is doing well now and hopefully he will continue to do so.
I will say marriage is a big commitment. You have to make sure you know someone really well if that is possible. You have to love someone just the way they are and not try to change them. A relationship will not work if you are always trying to change someone. You must love that person for who they are.
I enjoyed reading this article. I am not an expert on relationships, but, I believe they take an honest effort on both parts. A relationship is always a work in progress. Thanks for sharing. As always I enjoy reading your articles.
Teresa
Ah, you truly do sound blessed. And committed.
If you believe you are right for each other, quite often it takes a huge commitment to overcome some of the obstacles.
I am not an expert either, but I will agree with you, to make them work - it certainly does take that effort from both people.
Great hub, Duchess. I often wonder why I am not with my soul mate. I have been married twice and neither one worked out. I have spent years raising my children alone, helping to raise my grandchildren -- and now I am content with my life. But, there is that one missing thing, my soul mate. I know who he is and where he is, but he is married and committed to that relationship. We have never met in person. We have been friends online for over a year. I often know exactly what he is going to say in a message to me before I even receive it. I dream about him and I together in another life time. I feel him near me in times of need. We are so close spiritually, but ever apart in two different lives that do not relate.
I wonder how many other people have a connection to a soul mate in spirit only?
It always saddens me when I hear someone say their soul mate is married to someone else. One, or all of you are eventually going to be hurt.
I do not feel hurt, just at times lonesome. I do not think he is aware of how I feel, we are just good friends who have never met in person. I would not want him to know how I feel because I would rather have him as a good friend than to not have him at all in my life. He seems to be quite content with his marriage and I would never intrude on that. I prefer to keep things the way they are, knowing that in our next life we may be together.
PS: you are a very compassionate person, Duchess. Please do not be sad. Things are as they are meant to be. I have my dreams.
I'm happy to hear you would not interfere, so many would just take what they want and not consider the consequences.
My hope is that you will find someone in person, not already involved, with whom you can share your capacity for love and friendship
I think this is a great Hub since we all look for that special someone.
People make serious errors in judgement when the head is full of romantic notions and dreamy futures.
In your life, I think some of the great things you had going for you was the initial time was extended and "one" of you "knew"...that way, you had time to have arguments with yourself, and he was there waiting all along.
Too often persons don't give the relationship enough testing in the initial romantic stages...a big rush for that showy wedding with unrealistic dreams of wedded bliss!
One should have the opportunity to see the other angry, sad and in a whole host of situations and determine if you can still "love" them...
The fact is, during a marriage you will encounter just that and what a shock if you suddenly detest the way he treats the family dog when he is mad and anything else that was not possible when all was sugar coated and sweet!
Yes Scribenet - we all do look for that special someone and often don't see them right in front of us. But, when we do finally see - well I agree, young love does not often have anything to do with patience does it? Especially when it is the young in those early stages.
Sigh...yes, patience only comes with age and you can't tell a young person to wait! Maybe luck does play a part, especially in young relationships, because love can be totally blinding...so sometimes luck finds "the right one"..but awww the splendor of it all, even if it doesn't last!
However,the relationship that has had time to mature is more likely to have acceptance, compatibility, comfort and trust...a real safe haven from the world's troubles!
Nothing like a comforting hug from your partner when it is needed the most!
I hear that Scribenet! And I think you have the right of it. I remember - I was young once! LOL
I loved reading this, I loved reading what went through in your head. Thank you for sharing this, it is very wise ad gives us out there hope.
It's a pleasure Charlotte - thank you for reading.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience with falling in love and the thoughts you had as you questioned if the guy you had fallen for was in fact the one who was/would be your soul mate.
I have some questions for you....
For those of us who did not take the time to get to know our partners before rushing to marriage but yet still feel that they may be soul mates, what do you suggest they do? In my case, I separated from my wife 10 and 1/2 months into our marriage. It happened in the blink of an eye, we hadn't established a friendship and having spent so little time together over the past year, we felt like strangers. We lived like roommates.
Is it possible to find a new connection, but based on all that we have experienced? Not the same one we had, but a different one that is aware of all that has happened between us. She still loves and cares about me, and I feel the same towards her. This feels like an unusual break-up and divorce. She said that she's looking at it as a new beginning for us. First we need time to heal from the hurt of falling apart and the reasons why, then...the door is open to a new relationship--a wiser more aware and patient one.
What do you think is the likelihood of a second chance at romance for us? Do you have any stories of others who have come back together after a divorce? And were they happy thriving marriages/relationships?
I miss her so much, yet like her, I need time to heal and think and then work on myself--there are areas that I want to improve before considering a relationship.
Also, regarding the head and the heart--she has said consistently that her heart tells her one thing but her head tells her another. Her heart tells her she wants to be with me. Her head factors in the problems we experienced and to what extent we could live with some things and if we can improve upon others.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Forgive me older and wiser for being tardy in responding.
I first read your comment a few days ago, and wanted to give myself some time to think before I responded.
It seems apparent, time was not on your side to begin with, your relationship was rocky from the start, and you have hurt each other in the short time you were together. Might it be wiser to remain friends and both take what you have learned and move on? You are carrying some baggage.
Is it possible to find a new connection? Without wanting to sound glib - Yes, it is possible. But in my humble opinion, you both have your work cut out in order to overcome what has gone before. Are you both sure that's what you want to do? If you want to make it work - then you must both be willing to WORK.
That is just my two cents worth. You must both do what is best for you.
Interesting..You are lucky you knew. Success stories always do makes for a happy and positive ending. Thank you.
Thank you onlooker - I do indeed feel very fortunate.
My husband met me online and we chatted via internet and phone for 3 months from the other side of the world. We connected spiritually, and made plans within the 3 months of dialoguing for my husband (not then)to come to my country for a few weeks, and then for me to say goodbye to my grown up kids, friends, church etc,and fly back with him on a 3 month visa. Within the 3 months I had a choice to either marry him or go back.Because I gave up everything, and was frightened of travelling on my own (due to my impartial hearing etc) I said yes to my husband for marriage. For 5 years now, I am still in intense pain in the pit of my stomach, and have some anxiety attacks. I am very sad. Having said this, we are in our early 50's and although my husband treats me very well, he cannot seem to connect with me emotionally. I was very strong before i met him, but now have gone into myself, and wish I could just die. I should be so grateful that I have a good husband, when many husbands can treat their wives terribly. But my husband knew from day one when I first set eyes on him at the airport when he arrived, I felt nothing, and still feel nothing. I am miserable. I am a Christian, and believe that marriage is from God, and one should work at their marriage, but it has been 5 years now and although I have tried, I still feel nothing. I would appreciate any insights or support you may be able to offer. Thank you Duchess for starting this topic, it sure helps people like me. God bless.
Laura - I feel there are several things here that need to be addressed and I cannot do it justice in a short time frame. But, as a Christian, if you feel it is your responsibility to work at it to make it work - then I suggest you do just that - with a glad heart. And in ALL things we are to be thankful. So please, take some serious time to think about all that you have that you are thankful for. After you are in that frame of mind, then ask for help. From God - from your pastor - or from professionals.
I wish you the very best.
R Burow 2 years ago
Duchess,
I loved your story. I agree and don't agree. My heart deceived me a couple of times. I think you are right about backing up the emotions of your heart with all the right questions. Somewhere in the middle you found balance. Thankfully me too. You are brave to tackle this one. How do you explain attraction and love? You did fine though.
Thanks for the peek into your past and present.