Marriage Takes Two People to Make it Work
74© Duchess O’Blunt, 2010; all rights reserved.
Two People, Two Perspectives
From what I have read so far in this HubMob category, it appears the institution of marriage is looked at from vastly different perspectives.
Let me first emphasize that what I express is my own personal opinion garnered from experience, observation and research. It is only my opinion. And while I hope this hub might spark thoughtful reflection, it is not my intention to spark a heated debate.
Let’s first take a look at the difference between men and women to see if we can learn why there are so many differences of opinion.
Typically men are physical creatures while women tend to be more emotional.
Men respond quickly and more deeply to touch, sight, smell and sound and tend to lean away from any show of emotion that would brand them “emotional”.
While women can and do respond just as easily to the same physical forces, they respond more openly when their feelings are engaged.
If that is true it stands to reason that men and women are looking for something different in a relationship. Marriage is not necessarily the answer to what they are looking for. If you are in any relationship for self serving purposes only, then don't get married. It is definitely not the answer for you.
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It Can Get Ugly
Unless you are living on a deserted island with no outside communication, you hear examples daily about wedding bliss turning ugly. Some take a little longer than others, but at some point or other the relationship invariably begins to disintegrate. The reasons are too numerous to count, and almost all of them have their roots in valid rationale. It is bound to happen when two people share their lives to the extent that we do in a marriage.
Marriage Works
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Is It Worth It?
The question is, are you willing to work it out? Is what you have – or had – worth building on, or is it more expedient to walk away? There are always going to be cases where there is abuse from one or the other in one form or another. Those relationships are not healthy and should be terminated (in my opinion).
The question is not about who is wrong or right. The question is, “Is it worth fixing?” Anything that is worth doing is worth doing correctly. Any relationship – ALL relationships - will have their ups and downs. Think about it – you are not perfect, and your partner is definitely not perfect (although mine is as close to perfect as they come). What makes you think your marriage will be perfect? It won’t be. It can’t be. You’re both human.
Marriage is a commitment – if you don’t want to make the commitment then don’t get married.
Our Story
I saw my own parents split after 21 years of marriage and I have other family and friends who have divorced, most of them remarrying, I’ve seen marriages where people stayed together because of their beliefs and it wasn’t pretty.
Even with all the “evidence” suggesting it wasn’t worth it, we were young and in love, we were better than everyone else. We got married.
Being young and in love changed after the first year. The dynamics changed but we didn’t and eventually we had to fix that. It was not always easy, but it was worth it. When your partner is your “partner” and not just a spouse you find there are many reasons to fix it, because ultimately it is worth it to keep your best friend around.
I like to think that I am becoming the person that I want to be, but it’s still taking me a long time to get there. The relationships that I have been a part of, and those that I have witnessed in others that are close to me do influence who I am, but I am the one who is responsible for who I become. I am grateful that I have a partner that is willing to take my hand and help me get there whenever I am willing to let him help me.
Whether you realize it or not, you put an effort into all your relationships. If you keep your friends it’s because you both make that effort. It’s not always easy but the good ones are worth it.
If you have made the commitment to your spouse, then at one point it is hoped, you thought it was worth the effort. 30 years married to one person brings it's own lessons. Here are a few that I would like to suggest you keep in mind.
You Need To
Realize that:
- You will both change, deal with it
- You will argue, that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other
- No matter how good you have it you will hurt each other, and every once in awhile you will just have to get over it and forgive them
- Harder still - forgive yourself
- Sometimes you really do have the right to be angry but that does not give you the right to be cruel
- You are responsible for your actions, not your partner
In closing I would like to say that marriage, as in any relationship, takes two. Young love will mature, evolve, change just as both people will. Embrace the changes, share the adventure.
My Waffle Wedded Wife
Other Opinions
This week's HubMob is a challenging one to be sure. Marriage can be good or bad, but all marriages involve two people. Those two people are both responsible for whether or not it works.
There have been statistics quoted about divorce arguing it is probably better not to get married in the first place.
I have read some of the comments pointing out that there are women whose only purpose in life is to trap some poor unsuspecting bloke and lock a ball and chain around this ankle and throw away the key.
Regardless of all the statistics, facts and opinions I have played the devils advocate and argued FOR marriage, because marriage can work. It takes work, but it can be worth it.
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Although I agree with most of what you said, I personally find the greatest way to a successful marriage is to always put the other persons needs ahead of my own. Having said that, if I were to live with a very selfish abusive man, I would not be so likely to say this. I however do have a loving husband, and so know it is easy for me to say that.
Thanks R Burow. I agree, vows are important. A person is only as good as their word, so it's important that every effort be made to work on those commitments. I'm glad you found this a positive view on marriage. I personally have found it to be a positive experience.
Thank you for dropping by
Hi Lynda and thank you for your point on putting the other person first. Agreed, it is not always easy, and in an abusive situation next to impossible. You are fortunate to have a loving husband.
Duchess, I find myself in agreement with your assessment of marriage. I was thinking "commitment" before I got to your discussion of commitment. I believe people should do everything they can to make the commitment and their marriage work. However, there are times when it is not worth it. I can think of several off the top of my head. I watched my husband's parents divorce after 35 years and it was the best thing that ever happened to either of them. Fifteen years later one of their children tried to assist a reconciliation and the horror of that experience confirmed my belief that some marriage are better dissolved. Good hub!
Thanks for your comments Smireles. Assuredly there are cases when it is not worth the agonizing pain of either or both partners, not to mention the children or the friends and family that have to watch it
I enjoyed reading your fine work here. I agree with your thoughts as expressed. I have had quite a few older family members who hit their Golden Anniversaries and each of them are very pleased they stuck it out, even if it's not all roses. It is a commitment. I think many now think it is about infatuation. And we know that can't last. Thanks for a good read.
Thanks James for your kind comments. Perhaps you are correct and the reason some marriages don't work is that we don't recognize that infatuation is not the same thing as love.
Glad you stopped by
Hi Duchess (I like your name). This is a good hub for me to read and re-read often. I am only in my third year of marriage and it's really a lot of work for my husband and me. I'm hoping my marriage will be like some people who reach 30 years, 40 years and even 50 years of marriage.
Welcome emievil and thank you for the compliment about my hub. I am honored you think it worth re reading.
You have made it through the first few years, that's great!
To make it a happy marriage sometimes yes, you will both need to work at it.
As a word of encouragement and from my own personal experience - it most certainly can be worth it.
Thank you for stopping by, and I wish you both all the best as you work at yours.
P.S. The name, a whole story in itself.
A good hub - thank you. You are right that a marriage takes work - and that it changes with time. I too am very lucky to be married to a wonderful man so it does not seem like work to us. But really it is about give and take and treating your partner with respect and as you would like to be treated yourself.
Hi Catherine, thanks for stopping by. You are right of course, the good old "Golden Rule" applies just as much in a marriage (possibly more) than in other relationships.
This is a wonderful hub....well written and it makes a great statement...if you are not ready for the commitment, then don't....I like that..."...For what God has joined together, let no man put asunder..." Simply states that you have to work it out!!! Awesome hub!!
thank you wealthmadehealthy. It comes from the heart
OK, now it is my turn to arrive at a hub on the late side, but better late than never, right? lol Loved this hub also, Duchess. Especially agree with the fact that marriage takes commitment. Without it, when rough times come, partners will go!
Dar
Hi Jen, thanks for popping in! Love your comment that marriage takes commitment - without it, when rough times come, partners will go.
Good one
"I like to think that I am becoming the person that I want to be, but it’s still taking me a long time to get there." This has become my own personal mantra for many years. Lots of good pointers, I especially liked the bullet points, it seems with relationships I can never stop learning. Thanks Duchess.
Ben
Thanks for the visit Ben, I thought given some of your hubs you might like it.
Your hub should be read be anyone who is getting married. I especially liked the points you made under "You Need To Realize." You also made some wonderful observations...such as when your spouse is your partner and best friend, it is best to keep them around. That's what I got out of reading your hub. Thanks.
Glenn, thank you for the compliment. It sounds like you got out of this exactly what I was hoping you would.
Please feel free to share this with anyone you know is getting married. I'm flattered you think it worthy
When its good its good , but when it gets bad look out.
It take two alright and alots of work.
Great hub.
Agreed rose56. It's the work part that everyone tends to forget about. It IS work. Sometimes hard work. But it is worth it. (In my most humble opinion)
Thanks, I totally agree...wish I had known more with my first marriage, I think I could have done better...so I'm definitely working harder this time...it's been over 20 years, so I think we'll make it...:))
Greeting Sandyksk. Nice to meet you.
Isn't hind sight 20/20? So many mistakes we could avoid if we only had hindsight BEFORE we needed.
Glad to hear you are 20 years and going strong! Love to hear success stories.
Thanks for the visit
Hi Duchess,
I was thinking about writing an article on relationships within a marriage (especially during stressful times like a recession). This Hub covers about all that I would have said (probably not as well as you). Marriage has to be worked at by both parties, but if there's genuine love in the relationship it can get you through.
Yes G. Lynn-Carroll, that's the key - two people working at it. Love is like a beautiful garden. It needs some tender lovin care to make it bloom to it's fullest potential.
I agree completely that it takes work. Too often these days people seem to think that if the magic wears off, they can just walk away. Marriage is a commitment, and if you can't see that then simply don't commit.
Similar values eh Viv?
Commit and then work at it!
I totally was for marriage. I married thinking it was a forever thing an something you worked on all the time. My parents are still married almost 40 yrs now. My husband of 8 yrs decided he did nto want to be married anymore and divorced me. The paikn of that is something that still hurts me deeply today. I had no choice but to concede since he said it's what he wanted. I will never ever remarry again. I thought so many times, Why did he even bother proposing/marrying me if he was just going to walk away one day? I have no clue and have never gotten the answer to that. Anyway still think it's great for people who take marriage very seriously but unfortunatelyh I married aman who did not and I find myself tryingto piece my life back together. It was definitely a traumatic experience to go through.
Jillia. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and your pain. I agree, it takes some serious commitment on both parts to make it work, and it's always painful when one part of the partnership is not fully committed. I'm happy to hear your parents are still together after 40 years. Me - I'm coming up to 32 myself, and it is always sad to hear when someone splits.
Keep your chin up. You never know. :)
Marriage is a gamble ..................
Bhanu.Jas - a gamble? hmmmm, I'd say rather it's a choice to commit, and having committed, to work it out. But yes, sometimes you don't know what you are getting until all the glitter is passed and the true personalities are allowed to come out of hiding. Personally, I think it very much worth the effort.
Hi Duchess, thanks for a great hub. It is so good to see folk commending the institution of marriage and being real about how to make, I was about to say, "make IT work" but it's not "IT" that has to do the work. It is US. It seems that marriage is viewed as irrelivant by many these days.
All I know is, there is a woman in my life who has given me the best 35 years of her life, she has been nothing but loyal and faithful all that time and for that, she deserves my utmost respect and loyalty in return. And besides, we have all that shared history. I'd be a fool to toss all that away!
Of course, it ok for me to pontificat here however, the true test of how healthy our marriage really is, would be for Mrs Dags to give some expression of what it has been and is like for her!
Great and well done. Cheers Dags the Drover
dags the drover - hello and thank you for confirmation that there are still some in my generation who have succeeded in making their marriage work! Congratulations. I would love to hear from Mrs. Dags as well.
Hi Duchess, yes it seems that there are not many of us left at times. And, yes I will mention (with fear, trembling and great hesitation) to Mrs Dags that she might like to add her perspective to this very commendable hub of yours. You and she could have quite a conversation, especially as I head off on a 7 day trip across to the other side of Australia and back in the truck on Monday!! So... we'll see what happens. cheers Dags
Well . . . here's to a safe and successful trip for you, and a good time getting to know your "better"? half.
I married in June of 2010 and divorced a couple weeks ago, in July of 2011. We separated one day before Easter. It came after a few hurtful words, but we had been having a hard time for a few months before that. I think our problem was that we fell in love and jumped straight into marriage without ever getting to know each other. Later when reality started to hit and the romance began to fade, there was nothing to sustain us. We ran into problems that we could have worked through, I'm sure of that, but we felt like strangers and there was nothing to hold us together. Yet we both feel that we want to take time for ourselves to heal from the hurt and the extreme change in our short lived marriage. It's easy for me to see the mistakes we made, and I think she sees them too. We both want to see if we can establish a friendship, naturally and with no expectations of a future relationship. We want to get to know each other and we are both patient now. I have a plan for how to improve myself in ways that are right for me and that will help me to be a much better marriage partner. I'm committed to that plan. I feel comfortable with where we are at. I felt like I was married to a stranger--I am glad for this chance we have to move slowly.
Thanks for the great advice!
Olderandwiser38 - I’m sorry to hear your marraige fell apart. It sounds like it was unpleasant. Your case certainly argues for patience.
We knew each other for 7 years before we got married and still the adjustment after marraige was almost bigger than we could handle. I can understand how a quick romance could work against you. Some manage to make it work, but I think it would take some serious adjustments and/or comprimises on the part of both partners.
I hope your plan for improvement works, but let me just say that if you are not working on the improvements for yourself you will find it less likely to succeed.
I wish you well
Were you living together before marriage? If so, why would the adjustment be so big?
I keep thinking about the improvements I'm making and the reason for them. It's easy to get caught up dreaming about getting back together with my ex wife, because right now that's the only thing that sounds good to me. She's the only one I can see myself being with, anyone else I'm just closed off to even considering. Yet, I am not interested in spending my life alone, for now I am, but not for the rest of my life. I want to spend the next year and a half to 2 years alone. That time coincides with the time I need to finish a college program I'm in and to begin a new career. I began the program when I was married and found that I didn't have time for it and was having a very hard time trying to complete it. Now I am focusing on that first, and my work, and personal issues that I need to do to feel better about myself. The things I want to do to improve myself really are about me being who I want to be. I can see that. The motivation is there whether there is anyone in my future or not. Part of the improvements, in fact, are forging ahead with school and making the time for it.
Originally I blamed my ex for our break up, then both of us, then mainly me, and now I just focus on what I would like to change given my role in our relationship overall--problems and things in general. There are things that I think she would not say were problems, but maybe just are what they are or are part of who I am, but those areas stand out to me as being problems that I don't like and don't accept from myself. They go beyond a relationship, they are simply ways of being as a person and they affect all relationships with everyone in my life. I'm not focused on what she did or didn't do anymore. It's kind of like that's her area to think about. I wouldn't change anything about her or her ways of doing things. We don't always agree about how to do things, there are many things we do differently, but my interest is in how I deal with differences between me and someone else. Anyone else.
Another thing I keep close in mind is that as time goes on we may or may not establish the kind of friendship that leads us back to a romantic relationship, or a friendship at all. Right now it seems scary to think that we might not find our way back together at some point, but that's just where I am now. Because I do need to feel a friendship with her first, and I also need to know that we are able to communicate with each other effectively, openly and without resistance and defensiveness. It is also very important that we can make conflict/disagreement work for us and not tear us apart. If we are able to do those things then we will feel comfortable together and it will show that we are both very interested in a relationship together, but if those things are not addressed then it would indicate to me that the interest for closeness is not there. If I don't feel anything for her, the way I once did, then I cannot move toward a relationship. I'm going by what I feel this time around. Last time I moved too quickly to feel much of anything. She did too. Part of the lesson of our time together is how we went about it--the rush to get married and not really paying attention to areas that were potential problems.
Are there authors or books about marriage--communication, conflict, intimacy, what a marriage needs to thrive, problems to watch out for...--that you can recommend? Part of improving myself is learning a lot more about marriage.
Thanks!
Forgive me older and wiser for being tardy in responding.
As with your comment on my other hub, I first read your comment a few days ago, and wanted to give myself some time to think before I responded.
To answer your first question, no we did not live together before we were married. We knew each other for many years prior to getting married, but adjustments were big because we were young and we both lived at home before getting married - not on our own separately first.
I cannot answer your questions about the eventuality of the two of you getting back together. I would think the history would be an issue, but there are some who can overcome that. I think you need to concentrate on building your life for you, and she should do the same.
Time is a strange beast and you might eventually find who you become is who the other wants, but I wouldn't rush it . . . you know where that gets you.
As to your other question, reference books? I don't read them. I always fly by the seat of my pants, and often rely on advice from others whom I know, admire and respect. That's not to say there are not some great books on the subject out there - I'm just saying I haven't read any that will help you.
Wait...there is one that might help. The Five Languages of Love. by Gary Chapman.
I'm sorry I cannot help you on a personal level. I am not a therapist, or a professional marriage counsellor. I do however, wish you happy.
Nice article. Relationships do come with it's share of ups and downs. Love is not easy, it has to be worked on constantly to make it last. However, it's the least thing people are doing. We fix everything else, we work hard on everything else... but we expect our relationship to repair and grow itself without any effort on our part.
Great relationships happen from 2 people, not 1 person working on loving each other daily. This is as important to them as going to work everyday for a paycheck.
Thank you 100ktrainer - 2 people are required for a marriage. 2 people who are willing to work at it are required to make a good marriage.
thanks for the visit.
R Burow 2 years ago
Duchess!
Hurrah! I agree marriage takes two, and commitment is tantamount. I like your statement..."if you don't want to make a commitment, don't get married." Taking a vow before God and man is serious business. Thanks for a positive hub on marriage and how it can work.