Do You Know How To Listen?
68© Duchess O’Blunt, 2010; all rights reserved.
SHHHHH - You Can't Hear Me
“This moment deserves your full attention, for it will not pass your way again.” [Dan Millman]
If you could keep that thought prevalent all the time, do you think you would do things differently? Would you actually take the time to listen when your children or your spouse speak to you?
Listening is a learned skill. If the teacher does not have the skills developed properly than the student will not learn to develop them either. Consider all those in your immediate family nucleus and then reflect if you have taught them how to listen.
Do you know how to listen?
- Silence quotes
Here goes my collection of silence quotes...trust me, silence ensures more awareness inside and outside you…pay attention to what goes on inside you, and learn to enjoy it…
- When It's Time to Listen
I could have called this the secret to a successful and passionate relationship and it would be true. This may be the single most important key to closeness and connection with your partner. While your...
Learning To Listen
Shhhh, Don't Speak
Listening requires that you not speak. Yes, I tell you the truth - you might be able to hear when talking, but you cannot listen.
The very first thing you need to do is practice placing the top and bottom lips together and keeping them that way. It's not too difficult. Use a mirror if you find you need assistance. If you can see your teeth, you are not doing it right. Don't worry, with a little practice you can get it! I have every confidence in you.
This is the first and most basic step in learning to listen. Once you have the ability to keep the lips closed, practice doing so without clenching your teeth. Now we can advance the difficulty level.
Shhhh, Don't Speak
I know this sounds like I am repeating myself but this was done on purpose. You have managed to keep your lips together when you realize that someone else is speaking, but you desperately want to clarify something, speed up the process, add your two cents worth, or draw the attention back to where you want it to be.
Don't.
You must not interrupt if you want to listen because listening is not about you.
How to Listen Well
Now that you have the process of keeping the lips together down pat, here are some helpful tips to keep in mind while you perfect your skills.
Stop
Turn away from the keyboard or put down whatever tools you are using and show by your actions that you are ready to actively listen.
Time
Be prepared to take the time to do this right. If you are impatient, you will not listen.
Judge Not
Don't come to the conversation with any preconceived ideas about the speaker or the subject.
Stay Focused
On the speaker and the subject, not on the pretty lady that just passed by the window. Face the speaker and when appropriate, make eye contact. (In some cultures, this is not appropriate.)
Don't Stop the Silence
It is not always necessary to fill in the gaps of silence. Sometimes the person speaking needs time to gather their thoughts. Give it to them.
Developing your listening skills, like any other skill set, requires practice. Take the time to get the lips together thing working for you.
- Quick to Listen
This is the first Sunday of 2010 and I am not one to make new year resolutions period. It is just not me...but if I have a hope for my life, it would be that I become a person who is Quick to Listen and... - Listening is the greatest gift you can give to others and yourself
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Active listening is listening purposefully with your focus on understanding what the speaker is trying to communicate. We are rarely trained to listen actively. Even those who know how to listen actively...
Listen to Your Children
Do you hear what I hear?
You ask your five year old, "Why did you do that?"
He responds, "Dunno", shrugs and walks away.
You hear attitude, but I hear a typical little boy with the attention span of a 5 year old, who really has no idea why he did that. He was likely doing something he saw you do and quite likely he doesn’t know why he did it.
Do your children listen to you when you speak to them or have they developed the habit of tuning you out?
Communication is a two way street and it is taught to them by their care givers from the moment they are born. You would be first on that list. If this is something that happens all the time, perhaps you need to re-examine your own listening skills and take the time to develop them further.
In addition to what has already been mentioned, here's a tip that helps when you are listening to your kids.
Your children quite often don't want to communicate with you. Sometimes because they know you don't listen, and sometimes because they don't want you to. This is when it is absolutely essential that you know how to. And when dealing with this type of situation sometimes listening requires some help. Here are two questions that are helpful. But remember to ask them (as often as required) and then go back to listening intently.
Why? And...?
When you are really listening you will know when it is appropriate to slip in those two little words and how often they are required to get to the truth of any given situation.
Listening to your children is paramount to developing not just a good relationship with them, but a great one.
Friends Listen Best
Sometimes it seems that our friends listen to us much better than our loved ones. Is it because we become lazy and stop working at making our relationships worth keeping? Try being a friend to your husband, children, parents and siblings. See if your listening skills improve.
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say." -Anonymous
Do You Listen to Your Partner
Can you imagine a relationship with no misunderstandings? Not possible you say!
Well, can you imagine a relationship where your partner listened to you? That's doable. Tough - but certainly doable.
In my opinion, not listening is one of the main causes for a troubled relationship that does not included physical, mental or substance abuse.
I'm not sure why, but partners listening to partners seems to be one of the
hardest things to do. It can also be one of the most rewarding. If you have taken the time to build a life together, then take to time to listen to each other.
Learning to listen will enable you both to actually hear the words that are being spoken without adding your own preconceived notions or prejudices. When you can listen to your partner you will be surprised (pleasantly it is hoped) what you learn about them. And it never stops. If you listen well, you can constantly learn new things about each other. With the right partner, this is a joy.
Practice Your Listening Skills
Get it right! Listening is important in every aspect of your life, so take the time to practice. Take a mirror with you if you have to. Check your technique every once in a while to make sure your teeth are not showing. Practice this skill until you can manage to keep the lips together without showing a grimace.
Seriously - get it right.
- SOMETIMES A HUG IS ALL THEY NEED....SHH, DON'T SPEAK
The Bible says, " there's a time for everything under the sun, a time to speak, a time to keep quiet. So it's in that spirit that this article is written. This is one of those axioms that merit closer...
Hugging Is Healthy
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Hugging Is Nothing Less Than A Miracle Drug.
Hugging is naturally organic, naturally sweet; it has no preservatives, no artificial ingredients, and is 100% wholesome.
Hugging Is Practically Perfect
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I agree with Paradise7. Listening will help to enable you to be all the wiser. Many people who are always so bent on getting their point across are the most stubborn of all. They really just talk just to hear themselves talk and always think that they are correct and everyone is wrong...And then they wonder why no one likes them :)
Thanks, Duchess!
Wow ---excellent topic--and boy am I one of those very quilty of not listening...thank you---and HAPPY FRIDAY!
Hi Paradise7 and dohn121. Thanks for reading and letting me know it. While I can't actively "listen" to my friends here on HubPages, I can certainly "read" what they are saying. And hopefully learn from them that way.
Hi Lisa Luv, thank you and Happy Black Friday to you too!
Like Lisa, I often find myself not listening to those trying to communicate with me. Instead, I am lost within my own thoughts, or trying to anticipate how I will respond.
Thanks, Duchess, for reminding me to keep 'em pressed together!
Aah Duchess....that was so beautifully written...and in SIMPLE TERMS!!! I've slowly learned that I don't always have to say anything, even when I disagree in my head. And you're right...keeping my lips together is doable, but TOUGH..I'm living proof of that! LOL This article is FANTASTIC!!
I hear you, DOB! :)
I like to believe I'm usually a good listener, but I have to admit that there are times when I'm working or otherwise distracted and resort to making 'listening sounds' when my husband is saying something...in actuality I'm totally zoned out!
I have to agree on the facing away from the keyboard. I often talk to other people while I'm in front of a person and I tend to type away while talking to him / her. For some, it's intentional :D. For others, well, habits die hard, especially when I think this is just a simple multi-tasking for me :). I'm trying to break it off and listen, really listen. Thanks for the hub Duchess. Great one and a thumbs up :).
Duchess, I love this hub, and you know why? Because you and I are on the same page. I wrote a hub similar to this one, entitled "Sometimes All They Need Is A Hug...Shhh, Don't Speak." In my hub I addressed some of the same issues. Over the years I've practiced listening, and to a large degree I've accomplished my goal. However, there is always room for improvement. Thanks for the help in furthering my quest to become a better listener. I'd like to link this hub to mine, if you don't mind.
@ Lorlie6
It’s very easy to get lost in thought - especially for a writer, and it’s good to be aware when you need to change something. Thank you for your honesty
cr8ve1
What can I say, I am a simple person :) Don’t you find sometimes that doing the right thing is often tough? I do! But I keep plugging along trying to get it right.
@Feline Prophet
Do you think DH knows the difference between your “listening sounds” and your listening? It’s tough to listen when you are completely engrossed in something else.
@emievil
I am guilty of the same thing, and every once in awhile I have to be reminded that I’m “doing it again” before I realize it. I’ve got to practice too.
@fasfreta
I am honored you wish to link this to your hub. I read that one a few weeks ago and was impressed with your insight. Please, be my guest!
Excellent hub. As you said listening is a learned skill and just as we learn to listen we can so easily unlearn that skill and stop listening. We all need to make sure that we are practicing what we learn. Its so easy to get tied up in one's own thoughts and to give mechanical answers instead of really listening. And I must admit I am guilty as charged. I will really make a concerted effort to take your advice.
Well done!
Great advice here! I try and teach the kids in my class to listen by giving them weekly listening comprehensions. I put ten questions on the board, then they have to listen for the answers while I read them a short passage.
Thanks so much for this essential reminder about listening. As other commenters have shared, I, too, have been letting my listening skills slip a bit...this Hub is a great wake-up call.
I like to look at listening as an investment. The more you put into it, the more it returns. It's amazing what people will tell you when they know they have your undivided attention--and your silence.
Thumbs up!
Listening skills are truly rare in this world where so many voices want our attention. And you're so right. Listening skills are learned at an incredibly young age - inspired by the example of parents, day care workers, teachers.
How frustrating it is to try to communicate with someone who is typing or reading email while you're trying to tell them something. Or by their expression you know their mind is not on your words.
Loved this hub about listening. Thanks for your clear reminder of this communication basic.
Duchess - I worked with Dr. Dan Sullivan at a charity school. He and I soon learned that we communicated very well with each other even when the one did not finish a whole sentence and the other one came back with a "partial" reply. He'd say something and I'd answer back before he got through "saying."
It was humorous once we found out how to do it. One day we were into that sort of halfway conversation when the office secretary jumped up out of her chair and yelled at the top of her voice - "STOP IT. You two are driving me crazy." She was almost in tears from the frustration of not knowing what the two of us were saying. She was trying hard to listen, but we never finished saying anything as far as she was concerned. We laughed about it, but she was plain frustrated to never "get the point." Gus
@ Laura du Toit
We are all a little guilty of the same thing a one point or another I think. It’s good to be reminded now and then.
@cindyvine
I like the idea of teaching the children listening skills. It will stand them in good stead all during their life time. Thanks for sharing that trick, I wonder if I can incorporate it at home?
@Sally’s Trove
Listening as an investment - what a great thought! I like it. People will open up a great deal better when we are quiet - I quite agree. Thanks for the thumbs up!
@PegCole17
I have been reminded of my lack of listening skills recently which was the catalyst for the hub, so I am amongst those who have stated they are guilty. I too am guilty as charged, and hope to use this Hub as a reminder to myself more than anything. Thanks for seeing the good in it.
@GusTheRedneck
You must have had a great understanding of each other to be able to finish the thoughts of each other. I’m surprised there were no misunderstandings. That’s quite a skill the two of you worked out. I’d be as frustrated as your secretary I think. Cute story - another one of your great hubs perhaps?
love it love it love it
bookmarked, stumbled and everything in between!
*smiling
thanks Rebecca E :)
this is the first time i came across the quote by Dan Millman.And its so true :)
Yes itcoll, it is true, and just seemed to fit when I was putting my thoughts down for this one. Thanks for stopping by
Loved this Article Duchess and will Bookmark it. I attended a Personal Life Coach Course early this month and learnt more about Listening Skills.
Like you wrote, it's all about the person. Apparently, when Coaching, if someone is speaking, one must not interrupt at all or it could kill their flow and they might not want to talk again - the focus no longer being on them. So, now I just say "ummh", "aaah" or just nod my head. lol. Then give advice at the very, very end. It takes discipline, as many times I want to get in there and say "that happened to me sometime, blah, blah" etc.
Not judging what we hear as you have written is important too and silence helps people unravel. For effective listening skills, we really need to listen and hear. Great Hub. Thanks.
Thank you Lady_E, I appreciate the confirmation that I am on the right track.
Good luck with keeping the lips together while you are coaching. It's tough (and yes I speak from experience) but I have every confidence in your ability!
Thanks for stopping in this morning :)
Wonderful hub...glad to be able to share this. I have always been a good listener....you learn a lot more that way. I am definitely sharing this one.
Tammy:-D
Tammy, thank you for reading, and thank you for sharing! That's always an added bonus!
That was really brilliant, I believe that is why a lot of marriages, relationships and yes friendships do not last.
We all need to liksten to what the other person is saying. if we dont then we do not know what is troubling them.
You are so spot on. And so well said, I know I am guilty too even though I listen because as a kid I was too shy to talk to anyone therefore I was a good listener. And often saw more than the chatterboxes and ones with lots of friends. thanks for that
Eileen, good to hear from you again :) You don't strike me as they shy type. It's good that you could learn how to listen though, it's a skill that will never go out of style.
once again, you've taken the simplest of topics and turned it into something so interesting and brilliant! And all along your quiet reasonable voice gently talking to us....making us see things we so easily miss! Thank you for helping us become better listeners - and hence better friends, partners and parents! love always x
myownworld, you are sweet :)
Do I seriously come across as quiet, reasonable and gentle? If only I could see what you see :)
Thanks for the moral boost!
Duchess,
Thank you for this needful article. I do focus in on people when they speak so I have half of it down. Now I am trying to break that other habit: my mind is whirling around composing my wizardly response before they have finished their thought. Not good. But I am aware of it and I am working on it.
Great work here. This could help make a better world.
This could help make a better world.
A compliment indeed James! Thank you for taking some of your valuable time to read it.
Hi Duchess. What a great hub. I love the quote from Ecclesiastes as well. It is one of my favorites. I often tell people, "I can't listen and talk too", I am rewarded with close relationships because my friends feel I am someone very interested. Interested enough to just listen when need be. Personally, I so appreciate when I find someone who will let me talk for a change! :-) Everyone needs someone to listen to them, it truly is a gift we give to each other.
High marks for this hub!
Thanks Jen, high praise, I thank you. You are right, everyone needs someone who will listen to them. Thanks for stopping in.
Great peace of mind hub too. I often tell my teenage students when they are so noisy in the studio chattering away, sssshhhhhh! 'Do you hear that?' They stop and look up at me, not a sound in the air, and I say, 'that is the sound of silence.' Works every time. Listening to silence is a very effective teaching tool for children.
That's a trick my grandmother used to pull on us once in a while. :) Nice memory. Are you a high school teacher?
Great Hub on communication.
While I agree that the most valuable communication skill is listening, there is a flip side, and that is actually saying what you want/feel in a way that will bring about the desired solution. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to do that effectively, as well.
Thanks Jim for a great idea for another hub. A complimentary one to this one. hmmm. good stuff.
As in most of your hubs, there is so very much of (not-so-common) sense in this one too Duchess! Loved it, and I hope it will help me to remember to really listen, especially to my children. They deserve my time and undivided attention, at least some of the time!
Jaspal, thank you for your comments. They are always encouraging.
Yes, spend a little more time listening to your children. (at least some of the time). I like that.
wow love dis one. I had always see myself as d listeing person but i also know that sometimes while keeping sealed lips and all i do give d reply i don't say in my mind. Like someone telling me she has not eaten for two weeks, i'll definately say ''yeah right'' within me while pretending to be listening. Good hop duchess. I'm glad i found u
Hi fiksy02, thank you for reading and for practicing how to keep the lips together! A true listener for sure.
Great Hub! Very Informative & very very true!
Surely, it all depends upon who is talking? If someone is speaking rubbish or being offensive then not listening - or interrupting is absolutely necessary! In fact, I rather suspect too many of us listen to far too much rot (out of politeness) when really we should be a good deal more forthcoming. Does anyone agree?
Thank you AuthorLMS
Nicks, I'm smiling as I read your comment because it has such a ring of truth to it. I'm typically "blunt" about such things but have on occasion listened too long out of politeness.
Dear Lady, you are wise beyond your years. I have been teaching this same concept to my Alcohol and drug classes for years now. It so good to have it confirmed in print, and to have it written so well. God bless you
johnnyco12 thank you! God bless you too.
I like the way you express yourself through writing, it's very natural.
Love this hub ... it enlightens :)
More please ...
Listening is so undervalued, you have done a fantastic job of bringing back to our attention!
When I was still active in my teaching job, I used to admonish students who are "hearing" but not "listening". Their bodies were present, their minds lingered away, so they were oblivious about what was transpiring in class.
That's also true to everyone. How much listening do you actually do, say, at home- with your spouse? your children? It's time we give serious attention to listening skills to live harmoniously.
chimmychan, thank you - a compliment of the highest order
aefrancisco and Raspberry Cupcake thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Always appreciated.
Lita C. Malicdem, yes we can improve on many things when we have developed and then use better listening skills.
You have such a lot to offer, as can be seen from your many responses, keep up the good work, Duchess
Thank you katyzzz. I will try to do just that
Duchess,
That is awesome. It makes so much sense and I'm so bad at listening. I'll have to read this post every day until it soaks into my consciousness.
Thank you tinaweha, it's always good to hear that your words are read and that they might be helpful. Listening well can be very rewarding for everyone involved. The hardest part for me is keeping the lips closed without grimacing when I have something I think needs to be heard.
Good luck!
Must practice this. Thank you so much Duchess.
You are Welcome
This is so true - and I especially agree with your last few lines about hugging. That really can make all the difference.
Thank you Carlotte B Plum
Hi, this is so true, my husband was the worse one for this. Every time I went to speak he would look away or at the tv and say 'yeah hold on a minute I want to hear this'! it used to drive me insane! especially when he later said, 'you never told me about him!' etc. I often hear women on the train tell their children to shoosh I am reading, talking etc, it makes me so sad, especially if the child is pointing out the window at cows or workmen etc, how on earth is the child supposed to learn? really interesting and so true, cheers nell
Ah yes! The partner who just doesn't seem to care, or the parent too bored to listen to their kids. Sadly this happens A LOT. Thanks for popping in Nell
Okay, I realize this is old, but it's got some great tips! We could all use a refresher! : ) The key is to "keep your mouth shut. It's not about you. I always think about those two things, specifically. Who are we trying to impress? Will they be impressed? Not if we're not listening, and interupting. Voted up, interesting and USEFUL.
Listening is so important to every relationship in your life. While you can apply it differently in each relationship, I agree that listening builds trust and understanding. I try to listen but I know I'm not the best at it. And I definitely need to clean up my interruption habits. Great hub!
I think we all have a tendancy to interupt, or many of us do, Alecia. I used to have a bad habit of interupting, and several pple said something to me, so now I'm very conscious of it. I, particularly like hubs like this. Listening more makes you feel like the convo is so much more enriched. Really good hub Duchess! (Oh did I already say that??) : D
Alecia and albertsj, thank you both (and I hope I'm not interrupting your conversation here LOL).
Listening - really listening - is a tough thing to do for most people. Probably for everyone at some point. Thanks for reading this one and reminding me of my own words. I'll try to keep this hub in mind today and see how I do. :)
Yeah, you interrupted my thought. : ) It's good for anyone to keep in mind. I will try to keep it fresh in my mind too, and see how well I do. We can get back to eachother... ; )
Yes, please let me know at the end of the day how it went.
So, did you do any better at listening yesterday albertsj? I THINK I did :)
Oh, uh...what? ; )
Good for you! I actually need it more when it comes to lstening while reading. Or rather "Paying attention". Something I really need to...pay attention to!
I don't recall yesterday, & I was busy writing all day. Little voice communications yesterday. Maybe today. How did you improve yesterday? Were you just more mindful of it, since we'd discussed it?
This conversation was running through my head when I was talking to one lady and I was soooooo distracted by something outrageous she was wearing. A small inner smile was all I allowed myself as I listened to her. :)
Okay, good exercise...but did you get anything out of what she was saying, or was her mouth simply moving? : )
Duchess OBlunt, thank you. This was both useful and interesting. I do try and listen to the best of my capabilities and when it is my turn I also like it to be reciprocated obviously. It gets easy when someone talks pointless blabber jabber, I listen and don't talk at all *rolling eyes* just kidding x)
Thanks onlooker. I quite agree sometimes it's very difficult when there is pointless blabber jabber!
Paradise7 Level 7 Commenter 2 years ago
Oh, good hub, Duchess. You hit that nail right on the head, again. So many of us DON'T feel listened-to, and it could be because we never learned how to listen well, ourselves.
Reciprocity in listening is the key to a good relationship, with anyone--significant other, co-worker, friend, boss, child, teacher.